Happy National Dog Day! Bentley is my little shadow & we love him so much! Well today is day three of Clomid and I feel surprisingly pretty good! Just a little puffy and mild morning headaches. I am feeling hopeful & filled with a sense of peace and everything is going work out.🐶😘
Sometimes it's a roller coaster of emotions and other times it's long stretches of peace and hope. The best thing for me to do is not dwell on it. I think that's why a lot of times in between all the different doctors and medications I would have to take breaks just to not focus on it. I hated it being the center of my life. It felt like that was my whole life and it's not suppose to be. We have a great life together and I didn't like the way it would consume our life. It was just easier not dealing with the depression or I guess they call it denial or acceptance... I don't now ha ha.
But I am so grateful for a husband who is so optimistic and supportive through everything. He has always made an effort to attend as many of my doctor appointments as he could. And he's so willing to put up with my hormonal mood swings and headaches and take care of me. Getting me with anything I need to feel better.
I guess you could say that this challenge his brought closer us together. We have grown so much as a married couple. We're able to talk about so many different topics which would probably be very awkward for most married couples but you just have to when you're doing fertility treatments. You definitely feel very vulnerable at times. Which is scary because who wants to feel vulnerable? But it quickly dissipates when your spouse is so understanding and accepting of you and all your faults.
Sometimes you do feel like a burden because not only is your physical body unable to perform a hindrance on your marriage but it is financially a burden and every married couple has to admit that finances do you make situations harder. But through the blessings of being full tithe payers we have been blessed. I definitely feel the Lord's hand in my life and I can only imagine having to go through this burden without the gospel or the comfort that the Holy Ghost brings to my life. It's only when I'm not going to the temple regularly or saying my prayers that I do feel less anxious and worried.
It's hard to describe the feeling of infertility to a woman that has never had the same problem. Your sole purpose of being a woman is to procreate, to create life, to get pregnant and when you can't do that your purpose is questionable. Or at least it has been to me. I've really struggled with my purpose even though I fill my days with plenty of things to do. But those things that I fill my life with are empty and meaningless. What is the purpose of a job to provide a living if you have no family to provide for? Where is the urgency to work hard to provide for who? Myself? My husband provides for us, so I feel like my job is just play money....or money to spend on fertility treatments that haven't worked so you feel like it's just a waste. I guess I go to work so I can buy more clothes that I can wear to work to make more money to buy more clothes?
I guess the reason I go to work is so that I don't have all this time alone to think too much! I want you all to know I write this blog post for me I don't want pity. Pity is the worst thing you can give someone in my situation. I just feel like I need to release all of these emotions somewhere and put them into words to make sense of what I'm feeling.
I was so emotional last month when I had overly enlarged cyst on my ovary and we couldn't start the IUI. I was asking my PA why am I so emotional lately? I've been so happy and optimistic through the many months and years that we've been trying, why now do I feel despair? And she told me it's because you're at the end of the line, if this doesn't work we have one other option and that's it. What's funny is as soon as she put my emotions and fear into words I oddly felt better?
As I'm writing this post I'm wondering if I'm going to horribly regret it. I'm the type of person that always wants to appear happy and that nothing is wrong. Which does help at times to fake it till you make it! Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have the energy to even have a child I'm so tired all the time now. I use to wake up early and bound out of bed ready to run my 6 miles for the day! I just hope that that feeling will come back once these medications are done with.
Hanging out on our day off.
Running around in horse manure.
Being a little weirdo with his leg propped up....I guess it was comfortable?
Bath time with Nephew Rhett.
First Sunday Family Photo.
