Monday, September 21, 2015

IUI #1

Blood test and clear blue were both negative. IUI #1 Didn't take, but I have felt so peaceful all day. I am so thankful for the gospel and the love that God has given me today. I am thankful for my beliefs and the testimony I have. I know that it is through Him that I am able to bear this burden. #blessed #lds #ImaMormon #princeofpeace #peace #comfort #IUI #infertility #ttc #pcos #pcosfighter #clomid #pray #withGodallthingsarepossible

Sunday, September 6, 2015

All it takes is one!!!!

So nice to be home cuddling with my favorite boys after a long day. ***Good news on the ultrasound this morning! The Brevelle shots worked and we have one mature egg! I told the Hubs it's all up to him & his swimmers now, no pressure!! Haha Sorry fertility joke I am sure some of you can relate ;) Monday morning will be our first IUI, Yay!!! I know it is only a 20% chance to get pregnant every cycle but we are thinking positively and regardless feel blessed and know that God loves us and is aware of us and knows the righteous desires of our hearts.



Well first IUI was done on Monday! So now more of a waiting game to find out if it worked. We know it is only a 20% chance so we are hopefully but also realistic knowing it might take a few more rounds of IUI's for them to work. Oh and I love is boy. He has been so supporting and understanding through this whole process.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Shots & fingers crossed!

Well medication is here and let's hope it works! I go back in on Saturday to another ultrasound and see the progress of my lining and eggs maturation.

Let's just hope I don't pass out giving myself shots in the stomach! Hopefully ;)

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Day 10 & Ultrasound

My Mom & I cheesing it up for the camera. My Mom came with me today for my ultrasound to check my ovulation progress after finishing Clomid. My lining (size5) and eggs (each around size 10 wanting 18) were not fully mature yet but they were consistent in size with each other in comparison. So we're going to do an additional three days of shots to help progress my really resistant ovaries to continue to develop. I did have three eggs that were starting to develop which is great! Two on my right ovary and one on the left. This gives me a lot of hope because now I hopefully know why we weren't getting pregnant all last year on Femara, my eggs weren't fully developing after medication, even with 100 mg of Clomid and metformin. It gives me hope that it's not microscopic endometriosis in the lining of my fallopian tubes. But if that is the case I know that God has a plan for me & my family. I feel so blessed to have been given the family and husband that I have. They have been a wonderful support to lean on through these emotional times. I'm also very grateful to my Heavenly Father who I know loves me and hasn't forgotten about me. I am thankful for all the many wonderful women and men who have also had to deal with infertility who have shared their pain and experiences with me. #thankyou #familysareforever #family #lds #infertility #pcos #clomid #femara #fertility #ultrasound #pcosfighter #love #hope #optimism




Friday, August 28, 2015

Two Lives

You live these two lives.

One of smiles and laughter and the other full of pain and unanswered questions.  The energy to put on a happy face when inside you are suffering is the most exhausting task. Starting to talk about our struggle to get pregnant has helped me feel like everything is going to get better, because I don't have to keep the pain a secret anymore.

This Morman Message (link below) was so inspiring. I do believe you can help so many others while you are hurting. It seem to cure the pain we feel inside. Even just if it is temporary. Attending the temple helps me get lost in service and forget myself. 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Day 3 Clomid

Happy National Dog Day! Bentley is my little shadow & we love him so much! Well today is day three of Clomid and I feel surprisingly pretty good! Just a little puffy and mild morning headaches. I am feeling hopeful & filled with a sense of peace and everything is going work out.🐢😘

 Sometimes it's a roller coaster of emotions and other times it's long stretches of peace and hope. The best thing for me to do is not dwell on it. I think that's why a lot of times in between all the different doctors and medications I would have to take breaks just to not focus on it. I hated it being the center of my life. It felt like that was my whole life and it's not suppose to be. We have a great life together and I didn't like the way it would consume our life. It was just easier not dealing with the depression or I guess they call it denial or acceptance... I don't now ha ha. 

But I am so grateful for a husband who is so optimistic and supportive through everything. He has always made an effort to attend as many of my doctor appointments as he could. And he's so willing to put up with my hormonal mood swings and headaches and take care of me. Getting me with anything I need to feel better. 

I guess you could say that this challenge his brought closer us together. We have grown so much as a married couple. We're able to talk about so many different topics which would probably be very awkward for most married couples but you just have to when you're doing fertility treatments. You definitely feel very vulnerable at times. Which is scary because who wants to feel vulnerable? But it quickly dissipates when your spouse is so understanding and accepting of you and all your faults. 

Sometimes you do feel like a burden because not only is your physical body unable to perform a hindrance on your marriage but it is financially a burden and every married couple has to admit that finances do you make situations harder. But through the blessings of being full tithe payers we have been blessed. I definitely feel the Lord's hand in my life and I can only imagine having to go through this burden without the gospel or the comfort that the Holy Ghost brings to my life. It's only when I'm not going to the temple regularly or saying my prayers that I do feel less anxious and worried. 

It's hard to describe the feeling of infertility to a woman that has never had the same problem. Your sole purpose of being a woman is to procreate, to create life, to get pregnant and when you can't do that your purpose is questionable. Or at least it has been to me. I've really struggled with my purpose even though I fill my days with plenty of things to do. But those things that I fill my life with are empty and meaningless. What is the purpose of a job to provide a living if you have no family to provide for? Where is the urgency to work hard to provide for who? Myself? My husband provides for us, so I feel like my job is just play money....or money to spend on fertility treatments that haven't worked so you feel like it's just a waste. I  guess I go to work so I can buy more clothes that I can wear to work to make more money to buy more clothes? 

I guess the reason I go to work is so that I don't have all this time alone to think too much! I want you all to know I write this blog post for me I don't want pity. Pity is the worst thing you can give someone in my situation. I just feel like I need to release all of these emotions somewhere and put them into words to make sense of what I'm feeling. 

I was so emotional last month when I had overly enlarged cyst on my ovary and we couldn't start the IUI. I was asking my PA why am I so emotional lately? I've been so happy and optimistic through the many months and years that we've been trying, why now do I feel despair? And she told me it's because you're at the end of the line, if this doesn't work we have one other option and that's it. What's funny is as soon as she put my emotions and fear into words I oddly felt better? 

As I'm writing this post I'm wondering if I'm going to horribly regret it. I'm the type of person that always wants to appear happy and that nothing is wrong. Which does help at times to fake it till you make it! Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have the energy to even have a child I'm so tired all the time now. I use to wake up early and bound out of bed ready to run my 6 miles for the day! I just hope that that feeling will come back once these medications are done with.
Hanging out on our day off.

Running around in horse manure.

Being a little weirdo with his leg propped up....I guess it was comfortable?

Bath time with Nephew Rhett.

First Sunday Family Photo.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Femara

IAfter a year of being on Femara and a 6 month break from all fertility treatments we decided to try again. I am a little scared because it wrecks havoc on my body. They said my PCOS is more androgen driven than insulin. I have always been so sensitive to medication that for a long time I thought I didn't have PCOS just hormonally vulnerable. Or you can call it denial either works! πŸ™ˆ Femara changes your hormones, it was originally given to breast cancer patients to help remove estrogen that feeds breast cancer cells. I had horrible unrelenting migraines that two imitrex would hardly touch. I had never experienced being so tired...it was so deep I felt it in my bones. It was partly due to falling asleep and waking up with a migraine I am sure. So this water drinking,  hold the butter girl turned into diet coke sugar free candy eating girl. I felt like I had lost my identity. I stopped working out which was ocd for me prior. My hair was falling out rapidly! Then the last month we tried on Femara they doubled my dose and put me on a steroid. I was terrified to say the least. I was breaking out with acne, hair falling out, migraine tired mess! I would boob to my husband that I was going to be the "hairless hairdresser" πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ as funny as it was to say and joke I really would at times have mental breakdowns!


Cuddling this Sunday having a movie marathon together. Love this boy so much. He has always supported me and loved me unconditionally. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

PCOS & Our Fertility Journey





Hello! I started this post & my Instagram @kelli_ann_miller with mixed feelings. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share my pain and struggle but I guess here it goes! We are the Miller's, Brandon and I met 6 years ago at Dixie State University in trigonometry class. I have PCOS and we have struggled with fertility for the past 4 years. I will talk about our past treatments, current treatment and things that have helped me with my PCOS. Just wait you will want to see my before pic! Ekkk πŸ™ˆ (PCOS can be a BEASTπŸ‘Ή!) Feel free to ask questions, give advice or simply follow. This is our life although we are more than our struggles...even though fertility & pcos can seem like it is your life!